I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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