omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Randomize
