someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
