Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
