You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
