If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
