i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
