I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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