remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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