fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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