i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just found puke in my bra..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
