So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
