my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're a waste of cheezeits
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
