Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
