i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
