dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
