my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
