I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
