Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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