I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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