remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
