Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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