My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
