My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
