The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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