How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
