I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
