you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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