i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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