you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
