im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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