a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
