Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
