we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
