I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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