i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
