she woke up with a sticky ear
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
