omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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