im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
