Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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