i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
