I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
