get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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