just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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