I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
