Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
