i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
