I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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