At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
