so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
